Families...and So On, hosted by Washington Post families reporter Jacqueline L. Salmon, is a free-ranging and freewheeling look at the American family. This is the place to talk about the burning issues facing the 21st century family, such as whether the world really needs diaper-wipe heaters.

Jacqui Salmon

Join Jacqui to share tips on surviving family life, tell stories, throw out particular problems and then brainstorm solutions. She'll occasionally feature guest experts, such as leading researchers, doctors and parenting educators in the country, who will be available to answer your questions.

This week, Jacqui welcomes guest Patrice Karst, author of "Single Mother's Survival Guide," to discuss the ins and outs of single parenting.

Jacqueline L. Salmon has been writing about suburban family life ("suburban" being a state of mind rather than a geographic location) for the last four years. She is married, has two children and (natch..) lives in the suburbs.

Jacqui's several lives as a mother have included stints as an at-home mom, working part-time and doing the mega-hour/mega-commute thing. She's also the co-author of three books on parenting and child development.

Below is today's transcript.

Editor's Note: Washingtonpost.com moderators retain editorial control over Live Online discussions and choose the most relevant questions for guests and hosts; guests and hosts can decline to answer questions.

Jacqui Salmon: Good day and welcome. Today we're talking to Patrice Karst, so send in your questions/comments for her. We're also instituting the new "Families..and so on 15-Minute Guarantee." That is, we'll post your question/comment and a reply within 15 minutes of receipt. Assuming it meets our (admittedly low) standards of taste and appropriateness. It's sort of like the Pizza Hut "15 minutes or it's free" lunchtime offer...except there's no free lunch. So send in your comments by clicking on the convenient little button below.

Jacqui Salmon: Patrice, I enjoyed your book-except for one sentence. What's with the crack about moms in two-parent households? You call us "Happy nuclear family wives with rocks on their ring fingers, personal trainers, and full-time nannies"//

Patrice Karst: It's very tongue in cheek! But I think all the single moms will be able to relate to what I'm saying. We surely have to have a sense of humor or we won't survive. And sometimes those nuclear wives just annoy the heck out of you. Don't this hold this against me, any of you nuclear wives who happen to be reading this!

Jacqui Salmon: Tell about life as a single mom

Patrice Karst: It's an up-and-down roller coaster ride with moments of profound joy sprinkled in between nights of lying in a fetal position on your bed thinking you're not going to be able to go on another day. There are many struggles that face single mothers. Obviously, financial, emotional, physical but, from all the women I spoke to in my own journey, the loneliness and isolation is the real killer.

Jacqui Salmon: Tell me more about the isolation. Fifty percent of the marriages in our country end in divorce and, as you say in your book, there are 14 million single moms out there.

Patrice Karst: Believe it or not, even though there are many single mothers, it's still you and your kid alone in your house night after night, day after day, weekend after weekend. And as much as I encourage single mothers to try to create supportive communities around them, the bottom line is-especially for working single moms-it's you and your kid at the dinner table without adult company, more often than not. And it's just lonely. The fact is, though we live in a lonely culture to begin with, having traveled quite extensively, as I have many other countries, I see America as an incredibly lonely country. We isolate ourselves in our own homes, day in and day out, thinking that it's the Great American Dream, and most of us don't even realize how incredibly lonely we really are. We numb ourselves with electronic entertainment, alcohol, work, drugs-anything to keep us from realizing that what we really want is company. And, as a single mother, it is felt even more acutely without the distraction of another adult in the house.

Jacqui Salmon: Why isn't your book also about single fathers?

Patrice Karst: Quite simply, I'm a girl! What do I know about being a single dad? However, having said that, many single dads have been enjoying this book and, in fact, any man who is dating a single mother or may ever date a single mother should enjoy the insights this book provides. I know that there are many wonderful single dads out there, but there are so many more single moms. And this was a book I wrote for the gals.

Jacqui Salmon: When you get together with other single moms, what the topic that comes up the most?

Patrice Karst: Dating or, more accurately, the lack thereof!

Jacqui Salmon: What would you tell a woman who is thinking of becoming a single mother?

Patrice Karst: I get asked this question a lot. And my answer is always the same. I would ask the woman to deeply ask herself this question. If your desire for a child is so great that the idea of it not happening in this lifetime for you is more pain than you can stand, and you are willing to put heart, mind, body and soul and pretty much the rest of your life into it, then go for it. Conversely, if you have ANY ambivalence, get a dog, go on a trip, do something else.

Falls Church, VA: What do you do if your ex won't pay his child support? I want to explain to my kids why I don't have a lot of money, but that means blaming him, and I guess I really don't want to make them hate him. What do I say instead of 'you can't have those soccer shoes because your dad hasn't paid up?"

Patrice Karst: The payment of child support is a HUGE issue for single moms. It's such an emotionally charged subject. First, I want to commend you on not wanting to bad mouth your ex to the kids. That is the most previous gifts of love you can give them. However, the truth is the truth. And perhaps you can find a way to just tell them 'We can't afford it. Mom's doing the best that she can. And as much as your dad loves you, he has not been able to send us enough money. So we're just going to do the best we can.'

Downtown DC: I don't know if you covered this in your book, but what advice would you give to friends of single moms? I know a couple, and I want to be as supportive as possible without taking up too much of their time or making them feel under pressure. Any words of wisdom?

Patrice Karst: Yes, I do cover it in the book. God bless you for asking! The LAST you need to worry about is putting pressure on them or taking up too much of their time. Read my lips: SINGLE MOTHERS NEED, WANT, AND CHERISH AS MUCH SUPPORT, FRIENDSHIP AND CARING AS THEY CAN POSSIBLY GET. There is never too much of that. A few ideas: ask her how she and her kids are doing, invite them for dinner or to spend a Sunday with you, give her shoulder to cry on and let her know that in times of emergency, you will be there for her. And buy her my book!

Alexandria, VA: I'm one of those nuclear moms following the discussion. Like nearly everyone in this day and age, I know a number of single moms - and some married moms who might as well be. For what it's worth - I don't know how they (you) do it. I am the primary caregiver in our family of two daughters, but I know there is always someone else there -- to complain to, to pick up some of the slack, and just to talk to. I think being able to ask someone else, "Did I do the right thing?" is vital for parental sanity. And I think being able to go in a room and close the door - even once in a while - is too. Even my husband gets tired of hearing, "Mom??" "Mom??" during what seems like every waking hour (Strangely - I seem to tune it out; it drives him crazy!) But being able to say "-- YOU HAVE TWO PARENTS, YOU KNOW!" helps get through it.

Ultimately, the reward for single moms, single dads, and married moms and dads is children who grow up and function as happy, productive adults. And every now and then - it's nice that the parent's curse is passed on: "May you have a child just like you!!!"

Patrice Karst: Thank you for acknowledging how challenging it is to be a single parent. I don't begrudge whatsoever women who have been fortunate enough to have loving, available husbands-fathers in their homes. I just appreciate when these same women can offer compassion for those of their sisters less fortunate.

Jacqui Salmon: Let's talk about how you are treated by married women. Were you treated any differently after you got divorced when your son was 3 months old?

Patrice Karst: My experience with married moms is varied. But one pattern that I've really noticed is that many of them treat you as if they are very nervous to be in your presence. My guess is that it is not so much a perceived threat that I might want their husbands (no thanks!), as much as I'm a representative that which they secretly wish they could do, but don't have the courage or ability to. This is NOT to say that I believe all married mothers want out. But I know for a fact that many, many women are staying in loveless, painful marriages because the idea of going it alone, giving up the financial security etc., is way too terrifying.

Jacqui Salmon: We're taking some time out here for a brief commercial break. We're talking to Patrice Karst (her name is misspelled further up), author of "The Single Mother's Survival Guide." Send in your questions and comments NOW and we'll post 'em within 15 minutes. Or within 3 minutes, at this point.....

Oakton, VA: I think the toughest part about being a single parent is finding day care for my kids. The hours that day care centers are open don't fit my work schedule, and my ex doesn't live around here. Do you have any advice?

Patrice Karst: Don't buy into the rhetoric that child care is such an evil thing. My son, who is now 8, loved it, thrived in it and learned how to socialize. And where else can they do all that cool art and music stuff. Stop listening to Dr. Laura. She's a witch and doesn't have a clue! You do the best that you can, you love those kids. Stop listening to society's stereotypical scape-goating of single mothers as being the reason for all of society's ills. We are the HEROES. Never forget it.

Jacqui Salmon: OK, Patrice, you can vent. Tell us more about this stereotyping. It came up a lot in the debate about welfare reform, didn't it?

Patrice Karst: Don't get started on this or I won't be able to stop. The idea that women are luxuriating on welfare is a nauseating concept. There is nobody luxuriating on welfare. In fact, the United States is one of the most pathetic countries when it comes to supporting the mothers who are struggling and doing it alone. Single mothers have become a catch-all negative phrase-as some kind of dumping ground in the assumption that our children will grow up disadvantaged. It's crap, it's unfounded, it's right wing rhetoric. I also would like to say is that this Pollyannaish image of the nuclear family as being the end-all as far as healthy interactions is a myth. This is not to say that I'm an advocate for single parenting. I do think in the perfect world, obviously, it benefits children to have a loving father in the home. The key word is LOVING father. Just because there's a male body in the house does not ensure anything. What matters is love, not how many people reside in the home. In fact, many studies that we conveniently don't seem to hear about often, have shown that children raised in single-mother households often grow up more independent, mature, responsible, understanding, grateful and kind than many raised in two-parent families. Have I made my point?

WDC: Please answer Oakton's question - she asked about how to find daycare, not a diatribe on the EVIL Dr. Laura.

Patrice Karst: How do you find day care? You look around, you ask other mothers. I can't offer specific advice on looking for day care because it's so different all over the country, but ask around at some of the preschools. Do your research and then, once you do, give up the guilt!

Fairfax, VA: I know this isn't entirely topical, but do you see much of a parallel between single moms and moms whose husbands don't parent? by that I mean the dads who bring home the money well enough, but who don't spend a moment with the kids?

Patrice Karst: Honey, at least they have the money! I understand how frustrating it must be. At least in my case, there is no one I am resenting. I think that would be very hard to live with day in and day out. But, hey, at least you have some money coming in.

Rockville, MD: Patrice,

Why do you think that of all the divorces filed in the U.S. two-thirds are filed by women? Do you think it has anything to do with the fact that the woman is usually granted custody of the child(ren)? I bet if the tables were turned (men getting the custody) we would see a dramatic decrease in divorce rates in this country. Your thought?

Patrice Karst: The truth is, I don't know. I only know what my own experience has been.

Jacqui Salmon: Patrice, you've written other books. Quickly tell us about them.

Patrice Karst: My first book, "God Made Easy" was a total miracle book. I literally woke up out of a dream early one morning and was "told" to start writing. What poured out that morning became "God Made Easy," and it has become a bestseller internationally. I get letters from all over the world-everything from housewives to executives, to rabbis, Buddhist, convict, suicidal teenagers and Indian chiefs, telling me how this tiny little book has changed their lives. I have a children's book, "The Invisible String," which explains to all the children how love works. That will come out in September.

DC: Patrice,

Can you talk about what kind of counseling you and your ex went through before your divorce? My wife and I are in marriage counseling right now and without it, we would probably be on the outs.

Patrice Karst: We tried it and, clearly, it didn't work. I believe that couples can work through many things if both are willing. But sometimes trying to fit square pegs in round holes only produces square pegs crushing against the wood.

Reston, VA: Not sure if you've explored this angle, but in regards to the isolation and loneliness that can come with single parenting, do you believe that churches are beginning to respond to this and provide a more loving atmosphere where single parents can come and develop a sense of community with others? Or do you believe that many churches are still giving single parents a cold shoulder due to many church's traditional problems with divorce and out of wedlock births? I happen to attend a church that has really created an emphasis on reaching out to single parents and their children, despite the church's strong objection to divorce, and it's been a great blessing. But I'm curious if our church might be in the minority in these efforts. I know this is a touchy subject, so I appreciate your thoughts in this area.

Patrice Karst: I'm not a church-goer per se, but I surely would like to believe all houses of worship and places where people go to get solace and spiritual guidance would rise to the occasion of what is obviously becoming a new movement in our world and do the reaching out necessary. That is what I believe God would want. Judgments have never done anybody any good and, clearly, as sad as it may be, churches we need to realize that the nuclear family is no longer necessarily the norm. We still need to provide sanctuary, comfort and companionship to all children and mothers and, for that matter, fathers too, who are struggling during these very difficult times on earth. Thanks goodness that your church and others are doing the right things.

Surprised, Virginia: I sense a chip on the shoulder of your guest or anger of some kind. Married women may feel awkward around single mothers for the exact opposite reason - not that we want to get out of our relationships, but that we can't imagine the loving father out of the home and everyday lives. My married friends with kids all say the same thing - it would have to be BAD to leave our husbands when we have such little children who thrive with both parents. Don't get me wrong - some times the situation calls for desperate measures, such as divorce. But, when I meet or hear about a single mom all I can think about is the pain of that decision, to her, the children and to the dad and even the in-laws. That would be my only awkwardness. I have to say I'm in shock at the attitude of your guest - "We are the heroes" and "married women seem to want out." Divorce should be the last resort when all else fails, not a badge of honor of singledom.

Patrice Karst: I really don't have a chip on my shoulder! And there does seem to be a war that sometimes goes on between married mothers and single mothers. Rather than embracing one another, as sisters should, there seems to be resentment on both ends. From the bottom of my heart, I love nothing more than to see a thriving family unit with a great husband in the house. I'm happy for you. My question to you would be, how often do you, when meeting a single mother and feeling your empathy for her, do you reach out and utter those magical words, "Is there anything I can do." Part of the perceived chip that you may sense is how rare it is that a married mom will ever do anything more than say to us, "I don't know how you do it. I never could," without taking it then one step further and asking if there is anything she could do. If I were in a loving, happy marriage, I would reach out and share my abundance with those less fortunate.

Fairfax VA: I'm a little curious about your marriage situation, especially when you say your husband left you in a matter of months. You seem like a very angry person looking to blame men, society, whatever you can, rather than consider that perhaps you didn't have what it took to be one of those nuclear family moms.

Patrice Karst: Interesting is that what one answers honestly and deeply and not in a politically correct way, they are perceived as being angry. Since when, by the way, is frustration perceived as such as a devilish tendency? I believe in honesty. If what you're hearing is frustration, then so be it. I'm also an incredibly loving and compassionate person. I feel it all, I experience it all and I speak from my truth, regardless of whether that makes me appear to be saintly. I never said I was a saint. Just one woman talking about her experience.

Centreville, Va: Patrice, I've found during my 13 years as a single parent that my perspective has changed a lot. I began the journey operating out of guilt for what my son was missing. I gradually realized that I needed to use the situation to help him learn things: acceptance, goal setting, communication, problem solving (lots of that). This change in perspective has really made a difference. Do you address this kind of thing in your book?

Patrice Karst: Absolutely. Every journey we take-be it the journey of a single mother, the journey of a married mother or the journey of not being a mother at all-is fertile ground for insight, spiritual depth, greater understanding of ourselves and the world in which we live and into the meaning of life. Bravo to you for turning lemons into lemonaide! May we all strive to do that.

Washington, DC: I have a daughter living in California and she is five years old. We speak weekly but I see her two times a year. How can I maintain a relationship even though I don't see her very often?

Patrice Karst: Letters, phone calls, e-mail-as many times you can see her as possible. It's a hard situation, and my heart goes out to you and her. Do the best you can.

Indianapolis, IN: Thank you for answering the question of how to help single moms. I find the hardest thing for single-no kids to understand is that I have no time for, no interest in, and no energy to go out to dinner after work during the week, and that lunches are not great either as I am trying to be more efficient at work so I spend less time there. And the hardest thing for married mothers to understand is that I don't want to hear how they couldn't do what I am doing, that they just think they are going to die when their husband goes out of town.

Don't be offended when I don't return calls right away. Call me back. This weekend a friend of mine brought lunch over on Saturday. I didn't have to do anything--not even clean the house. I just had to be there and enjoy the food and the company. That was the best example of friendship that I have seen in a while.

Patrice Karst: I can so relate to what you're saying. When a married mom "Oh, I don't know how you do it. When my husband goes out of town, I just think I'm going to die" would be equivalent of someone saying to Christopher Reeve, "I don't know how you do it. When I was in bed with the flu this weekend, I thought I was going to go stir crazy." Humility, compassion and remaining humble could go a long way, ladies.

Jacqui Salmon: Thanks a lot Patrice. I learned a lot. Anything you want to add?

Patrice Karst: Just that: God bless everybody out there. We are all sharing this planet together. Let us be allies, not enemies. And that if you know a single mom or you are a single mom, I've been getting emails and letters from all over from single moms who tell me this book has been a great, great source of support for them. What is most important is that we love these children, we take care of ourselves in the process and that we work to be a kinder, more gentle people.

Jacqui Salmon: And that's all for today. You can find Patrice's books on amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, borders.com and in bookstores everywhere. You can email her at singlemothers4u@aol.com. And, as she says, more than anything else, keep the faith. Join us next week when we'll talk about the beefs of working parents. Working parents, bring us all the complaints you have about life as a working parent. At-home parents, bring us your beefs ABOUT working parents.